The Courage to be Spacey

In every relationship, one of the struggles we go through is allowing for space. Partners don’t want to feel abandoned or suffocated, and depending on each person’s personality, it can be difficult to not accidentally be guilty of one or the other.

I, for example, strongly tend towards feeling abandoned. Moment to moment, I want to be wanted all the time. I want to be the center of your world. I want you to love me with all of your heart, and I want all of your attention.

At least…. I think I do. Somehow, it surprises me that more often than not I find myself feeling suffocated, even though my brain still wants more. I still want to hear from you all the time. But there comes a point where it’s just too much, and I go from zero to hero on the overwhelm scale in the blink of an eye.

Of course, this could all be prevented if I learned to listen to myself and set boundaries like a healthy person. If I learned to say “no,” when I first felt an inkling of “ehhhhh maybe not,” then we would not have these problems, but I haven’t gotten good at being that vulnerable with you yet. I’m afraid to tell you no. I’m afraid of disappointing you. After all, what if you leave me?

All stupid thoughts, I know. But I can’t help it. I’ve never had someone this amazing – I’ve never wanted to hold on so tight before.

But I did just have one thought. If we love each other half as much as we seem to, we would naturally want the other person to be amazing on their own. To have fun. To enjoy their lives, even without our presence in it.

Imagine that I am holding you on a short leash, and I tell you over and over again that I love you. If it is really, truly love, I would still love you without a leash. I would probably still love you even if you chewed up the leash and disappeared to Timbuktu. I would be happy that you are exploring and living your life and having loads of fun, because I want you to be happy, with or without me. You are exquisite and extraordinary and amazing.

To sum up, I wonder if we are both scared of letting the other have some room to breathe. What if we wake up tomorrow and it is all just a dream? The trouble is if we don’t let go a little, we will never know what this could be. Soon, we will run the risk of smothering each other, and the roaring fire we have built is going to become nothing but embers.

I’ve never fallen so fast or so hard for someone before, and I’m learning a lot along the way. For instance, tonight I am realizing that I have some boundaries to redefine. My lover, as awesome as you are, you cannot be my entire life, and if you love me like I think you do, then you do not want that either. It is my responsibility to speak up more. Even if it causes conflict, that is yet another opportunity for us to grow. And I look forward to learning even more.

I love you all, but especially you, my teacher and lover.

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True Love

I’m an idealist at heart.

I always thought that love would be perfect. You know, find Mr. Prince Charming with the perfect job and perfect body and perfect family and ta-da! This marvelous thing called love would swoop down on the heavens and light up our hearts until death do us part.

It is no wonder that the reality has rocked my world. I didn’t expect any of it.

I didn’t expect to cry my eyes out, because I haven’t seen him for about 6 hours now.

I didn’t expect tears to well up every time I smell the sweatshirt that he gave me.

I didn’t expect to be already re-reading our hundreds of messages.

I thought it would be fine, just fine. I cried a little when we said good-bye, sobbed for about a minute, and then stopped that and took off. I thought I left my affections behind me, where they usually stay. They must have been sprinting, because they have already caught up with me.

 

Such a beautiful surprise.

To have tears in my eyes

this late at night,

thinking of

you…

 

Seriously, so beautiful and unexpected. I don’t think I ever knew what love was until I met him. And it’s not what I thought it would be.

I was going to be the checklist girl and only seriously date the one who passed all my tests and checked all the boxes. But he ripped up my old list and handed me a new one with only one question on it, the only question that really matters:

Do I love you well?

And I couldn’t even decide where to start… is it that he bought me games without me even asking? Is it that he made up a comfy mat on the floor and enthusiastically massaged me? That he wants to show me off to all of his friends? That he inspires me to write? That I inspire him to be healthier? That he has experienced so much pain in his life and still believes in treating people right? And that he gives me the freedom to do what I want, as long as I am honest?

Seriously, I hope every single person in the world gets a chance to feel this way. Even if it doesn’t last or it’s not meant to be, it is intoxicating. I feel so wonderful and I cannot stop crying, which is stupidly amazing.

Moral of the story: Love doesn’t have a script. It finds us in the weirdest places and the strangest moments. If you just have your heart wide open, it will find you like a shooting star plunging across the sky, if only for a moment. And it will be glorious.

Trust Me

Dangerous, fragile, flighty and meek.

That’s how I see me.

Not as a ray of sunshine

shining down through the clouds,

a familiar smile in a room

full of frowns,

not the last resort,

but the first

and the best in town,

that’s not me, but you.

Honestly, babe,

I speak only the truth

 

 

This isn’t Real

I was so excited to see you.

I have been every day since we were last together. We talk constantly. You are beautiful, and you amaze me. You make me feel like the most wonderful person and it is intoxicating. I am on my phone constantly, because of you.

I had not even thought to be nervous until your admission rolled off your lips. You are anxious to see me. Why? I legitimately did not understand. What was there to be afraid of? It was going to be amazing. I just wanted to hold you in my arms and cuddle…

But after you stopped replying to my messages, I did laundry and felt a sudden pinch of fear spread through my stomach. I had thought about going to see you tomorrow, as soon as possible, but now I wondered if I should delay until much later.

It was going to get real. That was what this meant. It was going to get real. I took a deep breath as I folded my clothes. Although I hated laundry with a passion, the strict way I folded clothes usually helped me to stay present in the moment and to not get too carried away with my worries. But now, it was not working.

My thick sweatshirt had suddenly become unreasonably hot. I needed to get clear with myself. I needed to have something to tell him, besides the fact that I was suddenly also quite terrified. One of us needed to steer this ship.

I took off the sweatshirt and flung it on a chair. Crap. I sat down heavily. I suck. In that moment, it hit me. I had not thought about after. I had not THOUGHT about AFTER. Even though there was this lovely man who adored me and I adored him, I had not even THOUGHT about where I wanted things to go after this weekend.

“Crappy frick-muffins,” I muttered under my breath. I slammed the table with my fist and stood up quickly, tears pricking at my eyes. I had subconsciously set an end date for this thing in my head. I had not even considered the possibility of it extending beyond this weekend and here I’ve been telling this man that I adore him and now he adores me right back.

“What am I DOING?!?” I shouted to the blank judgmental walls.

They offered no consolation, except a voice whispered from inside quietly, “Love yourself.”

My shoulders drooped, and sorrow shook me to my core. I really liked this one. Why does this ALWAYS happen?! I wish I knew why I always wrote them off once they liked me back. I thought that this one was different. I wanted this one to be different. I wanted the love that I felt inside, the way that he made me feel, to mean something different.

Because, in all honesty, I had never felt this way before. In the past few weeks, I had become more conscious of my heart beating out of my chest whenever we talked than anything else around me.

I stopped any attempt to do laundry and pulled out my phone. Ignoring the obvious message from him, I pulled up the internet. What to search… I settled on the one thing that seemed true: I’ve never felt this way about someone before.

It brought me to an article entitled “Love versus Infatuation: How to Tell the Difference.” I read attentively with my heart in my throat. It did not tell me anything I did not already know. I knew that this was infatuation, hard core infatuation, albeit the strongest I had ever felt. And the bottom of the article gave me hope.

You know it’s love when you would move heaven and earth to help the other person; when it’s obvious that the two of you are better together.

If that is what it took, then I already knew I loved him. I had thought it at various times throughout our conversations. I felt like I would do anything for him. He was such a beautiful spirit, so lively, charismatic. My muse in the flesh. An amazing person.

I couldn’t believe I was about to say goodbye. To throw it all away. But I had to, and I would. I was not ready for all this, I told myself firmly. And my clothes weren’t going to fold themselves.

Now to figure out how to tell you…

I hated my life.

Love at Last: A Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful goddess living on a mountain. She had long blonde hair that perfectly framed her face, and her body curved in all the right ways. The goddess spent her days traipsing the mountain paths, helping the foliage grow so that the mountain stayed strong and happy. It was very peaceful, and she got to see all kinds of creatures come and go.

The only problem was that the goddess could not leave. She was bound to spend the rest of her days here, and the only thing that ever changed was the river. The goddess was fascinated by its ever-flowing current. She spent many hours marvelling at the creatures and items that it brought to her doorstep.

One day, the goddess was kneeling down next to the river, staring at her wispy reflection in its churning waters, when, slowly, a man arose out of the water in front of her. He was the most handsome creature the goddess had ever laid eyes on. He had ruffled silver hair and piercing blue eyes. “Hello beautiful.” Before the goddess had time to think, he reached forward and kissed her hand, then stared at her unabashedly.

He introduced himself as Corben, a water sprite just passing through. He was entirely naked, which did not help the goddess pay attention to their conversations, but somehow she managed. Before they knew it, the entire day had faded away. They just talked and talked.

“Sadly, it is time for me to go,” Corben once more kissed the goddess’ hand, but then he hesitated. “I know we’ve only just met, but I find myself wishing I could stay.” The goddess hugged him tightly and then watched him disappear into the river.

She smiled as she lay in her bed that night, drifting off to sleep. It had been a most unusual day.

The next day, at the same time and place, the goddess made sure to be at the river again. She wondered if the man would show. She was about to give up when he appeared again.

“Did you miss me, beautiful?” He kissed her hand gently. She did not want to admit that she actually had, a little. Again, they talked all day. He told her about being a water sprite and how aggravating it was to be on the move all the time. No peace and quiet. The goddess just laughed.

This continued for months. Every day, the goddess would make her way to the river to wait for him to show. And eventually, he always did. They would talk all day without a care in the world. Slowly, the goddess started neglecting the rest of her duties.

After some time, Corben told the goddess that he loved her. She returned his affections tenfold – he was literally the highlight of her existence. That night, he stayed with her later than he ever had. They cuddled together beneath the traces of starlight just awoken in the sky. The goddess kissed him, and the rest of the night was a beautiful ecstasy of love-making. She fell asleep in his arms, but when she awoke late in the morning, he was gone.

She was exhausted, but she stayed by the river waiting for him. At dusk, he visited shortly to kiss her, but then left again. The goddess returned to her chambers to sleep.

With every visit, her affections for him grew. She contemplated moving her castle to be right beside the river, so she would always be nearby, but it would not fit. And it was much cooler higher up.

One day, after fantasizing about the beautiful sprite all day, the stars began to twinkle in the sky and he still had not shown. The goddess did not know what to think. He had been been coming to see her every day for years. She hoped he had not gotten tired of her and retreated to her castle. She could not sleep.

At dawn, she jumped out of bed and ran to the river. Now, she understood why he had not shown. What used to be a reckless, gushing river was now barely a stream. It had become several small puddles. She had been so absorbed in her fantasies that she had not even noticed. She wondered what else she had not seen and realized that there was quite a lot. The entire mountainside was disheveled and overgrown. The paths she had not walked upon in ages were perilous at best. Her beautiful mountain was in complete disarray and her sprite was nowhere to be found.

Another day went by, and the goddess could no longer get out of bed. She was overwhelmed by her sorrows and as she cried, it rained heavily. The entire mountain was a slippery mess for over a week as the goddess could not bring herself to get out of bed. She had failed her mountain, and now her sprite was gone. The tears continued rolling down her face. She could not find the strength to pretend to smile.

After 10 days of pouring rain, the goddess dried her eyes. She did not want to move, but her mountain needed her. Badly. Pretty soon, she would be unable to see outside her window, because the shrubbery had grown so much. Thinking of the river brought more tears and drizzle, so she avoided it as much as she could. She had never felt so abandoned, but walking the mountain gave her a sense of purpose. After two weeks of hard work, it was beginning to look presentable again. The paths were climbable, the trees were strong, everything was flourishing, except for the goddess. She had not even had a chance to say goodbye.

Slowly and carefully, she walked down to the river. Instead of the puddles it had been, it was now a wide, but shallow stream. It was still not as good as it used to be, but it was a start.The goddess kicked off her slippers and strode into the water. The cold hit her like a freight train and helped to clear her mind. A single tear ran down her face. “Goodbye, my love.” she choked out as she stared at her sad reflection.

Suddenly, she heard footsteps in the water. “But I came all this way…”

The goddess shrieked joyously, and ran towards the beautiful sprite. He engulfed her in his arms as tears ran down his face. “I’ve missed you… I’m so, so sorry…” he sputtered.

The goddess apologized as well. She had not been taking care of the mountain, she had been so enraptured in him. It was all her fault, and now she knew better.

“I will never leave you,” he whispered into her ear. “For as long as you want me, I will be here. I love you, Sierra.”

The goddess beamed at him, “I love you, too.”

And they lived happily ever after.

A Goodnight Kiss (Guest Post)

I know you said you were heading to bed

but I can’t stop thinking about you.

 

Constantly. Always.

I can’t find any word

for how I feel about you

that fits better than love

and it scares me honestly.

 

I don’t know what it is

and at the same time,

I know exactly what it is.

You are so extremely amazing.

I know I say it a lot

and I mean it every time.

Even something as simple as

playing a game with you

(sorry I’m terrible)

is so incredible

I can’t stop smiling.

 

I don’t know if you’ll

get this tonight

or in the morning

but hopefully it puts

a smile on your face.

 

(And it definitely freaking did…)